How to Use the Past for Good When Coaching
While coaching places more importance on the present and the future, the past can make an appearance on a coachee’s journey, guiding them from where they once were to where they wish to be.
It’s helpful to have a set of strategies you can use, as a coach, when the past emerges in a coaching conversation. We call these strategies Past Permission.
Often, when your coachee brings up the past, it’s in the form of storytelling, complaining, or rationalising. The past can taint the coachee’s lens with regret and guilt, thus holding them from moving forward. (This is why we focus on the present and the future!) But if the goal of coaching is to help someone move from A to B and the past is getting in the way, you can’t simply ignore it. The past is likely greatly influencing your coachee’s present experience. Our present represents our past.
You may be thinking, What can the past offer to a coaching conversation? Well, under certain circumstances, plenty! The past can help your coachee uncover their conditioned and limiting actions and thoughts; doing so can unblock them to take present actions. The past is also greatly valuable for reflection, learning and decision-making. And examining the past can inform what has worked well before, inviting your coachee to replicate their most effective previous approaches.
Here are a few strategies you can use to help your coachee move beyond the past:
1. Allow It
When your coachee brings up past experiences, they are often seeking permission and acceptance of what was. Therefore, the first step is to ‘allow it’. Rather than shying away from the past or disregarding it when it shows up, lean in. Be sure to allow a story, idea, emotion or memory to surface. Denying the presence of past experiences will hinder your coachee from moving past them . If allowing it is not enough and you sense your coachee needs a bit more, try the next strategy.
2. Appreciate It
Once the past has been allowed, move towards appreciating it. Just like how you listen to the Gremlin or look through a foggy lens, you can embrace the positive aspects of the presence of the past. Labeling the past and its associated memories as ‘bad’ only strengthens its hold. By appreciating past events, you can guide your coachee through reconciling the emotions associated with them, leaving them free to move forward. If appreciating it is not enough and you sense your coachee still needs to dive into the past a bit more, try the next strategy.
3. Find the Gift(s)
Take your appreciation of the past one step further and find the gift(s) the past offers. It's likely that the experience has left your coachee with something that they are holding onto, and whilst it may be painful or remain a challenge, there is a gift in there, somewhere—they may just have to spend some time looking for it. By re-framing the experience to find the lesson or gifts, your coachee will be able to change their present experience of the past when they recall the memory of the experience. When your coachee is able to name the gift, they will look and feel radically different. Give the past permission to be their greatest teacher. If finding the gifts is not enough and you sense your coachee isn’t quite done with the past, try the next strategy.
4. Accept It and Let It Go
Finally, the stage of acceptance. After employing all the other strategies with your coachee, by the time you get to acceptance, it’s likely the emotion associated with the past has lessened. Now you can invite your coachee to let go of the thoughts, emotions, memories or stories; instead, focus on the present and how they feel about their future. This is an opportune time to practice the skill of Being With from The Journey: Advanced Coaching Course and really connect with your coachee through compassion.
Remember, even though we work not to focus on the past in coaching, that doesn’t mean it can’t inform you and your coachee. Give your coachee Past Permission, and see what comes to light.