How You See Teenagers Changes Everything
By McKenzie CerriFor more than 10 years I struggled with eating disorders. I was the girl in the back of science class doing leg lifts. I was the one counting calories, locked in the toilet, or exhausted from eating my weight in food.
I wrote this letter in my early 20’s, dedicated to all the professionals who tried to help me as a teenager, but in many cases, hindered my growth. At the time, I don’t think they understood that their lens of me profoundly informed how I saw myself. To them, there was something wrong with me. To them, I was broken and in need of fixing.
I was the problem.
That was, until one day when I met my coaches. Two women (one of whom interviewed me in 2022) who started with Heart, asked Effective Questions, met me where I was, and above all else, believed in the Three Truths of Coaching. They saw me as capable and whole and possessing the answers. And as a result, I learned to see myself that way, too!
It’s no wonder that I fell in love with coaching. And it’s no wonder that so much of what we teach at Graydin links to the skills and tools I used to heal, and mirrors the skills and tools Quinn and I have used to support young people globally….
“I am not a label. The doctors may label me, but please don't you. Not the person who is supposed to be on my side. Don’t YOU dare collude with them.
I understand that labels help you make sense of the type of help I need and the severity of my condition, but it is not who I am. I just am. I am a human, living in a body, trying to survive. Trying to survive in a world that doesn't seem to fully accept me and in a mind and body that doesn’t accept itself. Living in a world where I feel trapped, overwhelmed and out of control.
I see how you look at me. I see your sadness and pity, guilt and concern, fear and anxiety. I see how you watch my moves, navigate my choices and aim to be one step ahead; although you will never catch up.
You long for me to the person you once knew. A strong, clear-thinking, balanced young person. But, didn’t you know?! I am still her. She never left. Underneath my detrimental choices, irrational thinking, unhealthy behaviours, and overwhelming emotions, she is here, just hidden.
I long for you to see my strength to overcome. I yearn for your belief that I am capable of healing and that I’m not broken. Unfortunately, you underestimate the impact your lens has on me. You underestimate the harm you unintentionally cause.
When you see me as sick. When you see me as helpless. I see myself that way, too.
And so, I wonder, what could change if you saw me differently? Who could I become?
I can promise you that I will never live up to your expectations. In fact, the more you expect for me to get better, the more you work to fix me, the more I resist. That's not to say I don't desperately want and need you fighting my corner, it's just to say that my recovery might not happen when you want it to. It might be circuitous. It might take longer than expected.
So, meet me where I am. Get curious. Ask me questions. Help me remember who I am and what I love. Focus on me, not my problem. Listen and leave room for silence, reminding me that I am the only one who can find my solution. Believe I have the answers. Believe in me.”