Would you rather be right or effective?
The next time someone asks you for help, consider asking yourself a simple but poignant question: would I rather be right or effective?
Important: You can’t be both. You have to choose. So, which one do you pick?
Too often, we choose being right at the expense of being effective. To illustrate the difference between the two approaches, let's explore a specific scenario of a student approaching a teacher because they're worried about their exams. The student shares that they’re struggling to concentrate and are concerned they won’t have enough time to prepare. What does the teacher want to do? Help, of course! But how?
Most of the time, help comes with sharing strategies or advice to move the other person quickly toward a solution based on what the teacher believes is right for the student.
Here is what a conversation informed by being right might look like:
Student: I keep getting distracted when revising for my exams, and I'm worried I'm running out of time.
Teacher: Do you have somewhere quiet to study where you won’t be disturbed?
Student: Yes.
Teacher: Have you turned off your phone and computer notifications?
Student: No.
[Ah ha! the teacher thinks. This must be the solution that will help.]
Teacher: I’d like to see you commit to studying a minimum of one hour this evening, and making sure you turn off notifications. How does that sound?
Student: Okay, I'll try that.
The student heads off to study, and the teacher feels pleased to have provided a useful solution they believe will help. The teacher feels right...but were they effective?
Consider a similar situation in your own life. How do you respond to someone asking for help? How often do you give advice or share what you would do if in their shoes? Or, do you ask questions, forging the opportunity to help them find their own answers?
Let’s try that same scenario with the student approaching a teacher again. But instead of focusing on offering solutions, the teacher approaches the student with curiosity and a desire to help them find their own solutions.
Here is what a conversation informed by being effective might look like:
Student: I keep getting distracted when revising for my exams, and I'm worried I'm running out of time.
[Humm… the teacher thinks. I wonder what is getting in their way?]
Teacher: How would you like to approach your revision?
Student: I really want to focus, but I just can’t.
Teacher: What do you think is getting in your way?
Student: I keep getting distracted.
Teacher: What’s distracting you the most?
Student: Well… I guess my phone. I keep getting messages, and I'm afraid of missing out.
[Ah ha! the teacher thinks. I know the solution: Just turn off the phone!]
But, instead of giving advice and being right, the teacher leans into being effective. The teacher puts aside their solutions and gets curious, knowing that the best answers come from within.
Teacher: What’s most important to you right now?
Student: My exams. I really want to do well
[Pause]
Student: I guess I could tell everyone I'm going to revise for the next hour and turn off my phone.
Teacher: And, if you turned off your phone, what else could get in your way and how will you overcome it?
[Pause]
Student: I’m gonna turn off all my computer notifications and give my phone to James to hold for the next two hours, so I can’t check it. Yeah, that’s what I’ll do!
Do you see the difference between the two conversations? What do you notice?
When using a coaching approach or engaged in a coaching conversation, we associate ‘being right’ with giving advice and ‘being effective’ with helping someone find their own answers.
We leave the choice with you. You can be ‘right’ or ‘effective’, but you can’t be both.
If you want to learn how to be more effective in your daily conversations, sign up to our 90-minute audio-based class called ‘Better Conversations With Heart’.
