The Reluctant Coachee
By McKenzie Cerri
Flashback to 2010 when I’m sitting in an East London sandwich shop, waiting patiently for my coachee, James, to join me. I’m 29 years old and by now I’ve been coaching young people for many years. James is an 18 year old categorised as ‘NEET’—not in education, employment or training. He’s required to keep the job I’ve just placed him in and see me for an hour of coaching per month to maintain his benefits.
Did he ask for coaching? Absolutey not.
Is he being forced to be coached? 100% yes.
And if he doesn’t show up, he’ll lose his benefits. The stakes are high!
See, before starting Graydin, Quinn and I worked with several organisations that supported and coached young people in the UK. One, named Striding Out, secured a contract through the government-funded Future Jobs Fund in 2010 to coach hundreds of young people back into employment, education or training. My job: coach 40 young people, many of whom were reluctant participants. James was one of them.
I’m often asked on our foundational course, "How do you coach young people who are reluctant to be coached?" This is an important question and one that coaching people like James helps me answer each time it’s asked.
When he finally arrives, he slumps in his chair. He’s monosyllabic and quiet. So, I respond in a similar manner. I relax my body, slow my speech and shorten my sentences. We talk like this for the first five minutes.
At a point, once I sense he’s a bit more comfortable, I explain why I’m there. I say, “I know we don’t know each other, but my job is to get to know you and to support you to thrive in your job.” I go on to explain a bit about coaching, but I keep it simple. “I’m not going to give you advice or tell you what to do. My job is to ask you questions that will help you think about who you are and what you want in life.” I’m still slouched. I’m still quiet.
He looks at me, then the floor.
I ask, “What do you think?”
He shrugs. “Sure.”
It’s clear we need time to build rapport. I’m patient, not awkward. I trust he will share when he’s ready. I believe it’s a privilege for him to let me into his world and one that I must earn.
So, after a brief Partnership Agreement, we start talking about family. He tells me a bit about his, and I share a bit about mine. I learn about his favourite football team and favourite food, too. His answers come more frequently, and his voice gets louder. Finally, I sneak in a Heart question by asking, “If you could do anything, what would you do?”
He lights up and begins to share his passion for cars; he’s working to save up for one.
I have an in. We have some rapport! And, when he’s ready, I’m confident we’ll talk about work. But I’m in no rush.
My situation with James is common with young people who have never been coached. When educators (and parents!) find themselves coaching a hesitant or guarded person, it means it’s time to trust the process. You can’t force coaching.
Of course, they are reluctant. Not only do they not know what coaching is, they’re being asked to open up and share things may have never thought about or shared before in their life.
Imagine an educator who wants to coach a student or has been instructed by their school to coach them.
Did the student ask for coaching? Absolutely not.
Are they being forced to receive coaching? 100% yes.
So, what are some things you can do to build rapport?
Meet them where they are, physically, mentally and emotionally
I use the skill of mirroring when working with young people in situations where I want to build rapport. If they are talking slowly, I decrease my cadence slightly. If they are slouched, I get comfy in my chair. The old adage ‘People like people who are like them’ is true!
Remember, it’s only awkward if you’re awkward
Many years ago, a participant asked, “What if it’s awkward?” when referring to coaching. My brilliant co-founder, Quinn Simpson, replied, “It’s only awkward if you’re awkward.” That is to say, how you show up and how you feel informs your coachee. If they are quiet, no biggie—you can sit in silence. Trust that they will open up to coaching in their own time, and that your worry will only make it uncomfortable.
Trust the coaching process
Just because a young person doesn’t answer your question verbally doesn’t mean they’re not answering it. Be patient, knowing that if they are not answering their questions aloud, they are answering them in their mind. Often, it’s the quiet reflection that leads to the most profound insights. Give them the space to think, and trust that when they’re ready, they’ll share what’s truly on their mind.
Lean into the Three Truths of Coaching
The more you believe the coachee is capable of finding their own answers and that your role is to ask rather than tell, the more patient you may become in the face of resistance. It's like the saying goes: What you resist, persists. Believing that they ‘know’ will only help, not hinder
If you have taken The Anatomy: Foundational Coaching Course and are ready to learn more and build your confidence, join us for The Journey: Advanced Coaching Course. Or, start here.
